I am so friggin’ low today. (started yesterday) We’ve been trying to get pregnant for almost a year now (9 months…ironic?) and I’m getting scared. My periods are not regular off of the pill, and I’m starting to wonder if I’m even still ovulating normally. I really don’t think anything is wrong with Mike…its all me. I’m terrified I won’t be able to have children and the thought alone has me wanting to curl up and cry. Almost all of Mike’s married cousins has at least one kid…with a couple more getting married next year. I don’t know more if its that I am feeling left out, or just feeling empty. Empty.

We were out yesterday and on a lark stopped in at ToysRUs and looked at some of the baby items. It was funny, we were picking out the same things! Probably do a Pooh theme, since Stitch isn’t big for little kids…but I’ll see what I can find in their catalog. We’re both ready. I know our child is waiting for us, there are times when I swear I can hear and see her coming to me. Comforting me already. With my luck, its just my spirit guide keeping me going.

But I can still see her…curly-ish blond hair (like mine was) and dark eyes. Makes me sad she doesn’t have her daddy’s pretty baby blues…

I’m going to call my gyno on Monday. She told me that if we were still having problems past September to let her know. I’m hoping she can help…but am terrified that it comes out that I am just not able to have kids.

I’m not sure if not knowing or knowing would be worse.

Its not that I’m too fat! Goddess knows I saw PLENTY of overweight moms with babies at Pagan Pride..my only concern is my blood pressure, which I know Dr Howard will help with. (he’s just that good)

But still…knowing or not knowing…

I’m having trouble sleeping tonite and now I think I know why. The killings earlier today. I was feeling funny all weekend. I fucking hate being an empath/psychic. There’s just no “user manual” for dealing with this shit. I just want to go back to bed and snuggle next to my Angel…but I can’t get my head to shut up. I’m tired of using medication. Maybe its better than going psycho from no sleep? LOL Goddess only knows. May she watch over and keep all those affected by (yesterday’s) tragedy.